By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
