Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
