I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
