I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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