And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
