Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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