there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
