remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
