sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
