I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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