I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
