I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
