Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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