this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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