I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
