I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
