I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
