I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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