New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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