It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
