i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
