ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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