Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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