just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
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