im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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