I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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