I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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