Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
