My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
