Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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