New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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