You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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