we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
