She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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