Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize