She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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