hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
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