How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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