this beer tastes like vomit already
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
