I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
