Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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