he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
