My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
should my penis look like a turkey
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize