I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
