I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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