So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
