So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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