Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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