i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
