Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Its about making memories worth repressing
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
You came to the right person.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
