all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
