I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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