i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
