i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
We named our party play list daddy issues
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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