I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
They have beer where we have blood.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
