I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
