My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
