Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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