They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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